So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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