1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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