everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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