After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
