On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
