my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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