in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
