so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
