while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
