I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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