i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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