You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I smell stomach acid.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
