just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
