I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
