He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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