suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize