so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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