You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
4 words: hood of his car
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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