there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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