I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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