I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
