Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
