I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
