the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
