In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
