Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
