Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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