There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's never too late to be topless.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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