I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
