i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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