he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
