Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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