Your mouth is God's brothel.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
