he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
