He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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