She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
