i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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