one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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