just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
