he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
