Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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