fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
