Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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