I'm gonna have a badass scar
Moan for me like Helen Keller
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
