Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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