you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
