Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
