my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
someone owes me an orgasm
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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