Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
