there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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