Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
