My liver just broke up with me...
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
