I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
