I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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