Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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