I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
